Trouble Sure Seems To Follow Paul Pelosi Around, Doesn't It?

As of this morning, the lid looks to be well and truly down on the Paul Pelosi home invasion-hammer attack story. This must surely be the case if the first call he placed after his DUI accident last May was to the family fixer, after which we heard nothing that wasn't thoroughly massaged, cleaned, and spun. But never fear, J Edgar's here. That means we can be pretty sure we've learned all we're ever going to hear, despite the truly hinky narrative that trickled out Friday and Saturday.

Recognizing that we're dealing with something like the fog of war here, with garbled and incomplete reports based on misunderstandings, the story that's initally emerged just doesn't add up, start to finish. Here's what's implied about the start:

Suspect David DePape, 42, had broken into the home in the wee hours of Friday morning, demanding to see the powerful lawmaker, who was out of town, according to police.

I think if we were more careful, though, the most we'd be entitled to say would be Mr DePape was apparently in the home possibly demanding to see the Speaker -- exactly how he got in isn't explained, and this is the first mystery. The Speaker is third in line for the US presidency, as well as quite wealthy. We would expect a state-of-the-art security system, likely with cameras outside if not inside as well. The FBI and SFPD will certainly want to see footage, if only to suppress it. My wife and I have only middle-class security in our home, and a break-in would set off alarms at both the security company and the police department. The Pelosis didn't have even this?

L:et's move to the second level of hinky. From the same link,

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi’s elderly husband made a desperate 911 call early Friday from a bathroom in their multimillion-dollar San Francisco mansion, likely saving him from the deranged man who beat him with a hammer, authorities said.

Wait a moment. In this version, a deranged maniac has just invaded the Pelosi home, threatening 82-year-old Paul with a hammer -- and quick-thinking Paul, remembering his Boy Scout training, asks to use the bathroom? As I envision a home invasion and the sort of deranged maniac who'd do such a thing, his answer would be along the line of "bleep bleep bleep, motherbleep, bleep bleep, get on the floor!" No bathroom pass would be forthcoming, no matter how urgent the call.

Nevertheless, according to this narrative, the deranged maniac allows Paul his bathroom break, whereupon the plucky guy picks up his cell phone that had been on the charger, and according to the link,

he made the emergency call, speaking in “code” to a quick-thinking dispatcher.

Wait a moment. My life is in danger, but thanks to my Boy Scout training and presence of mind, I've made it to the bathroom, where I've shut and locked the door. Apparently the deranged maniac outside is satisfied for now that I'm taking care of business, but clearly, if my Boy Scout training is of any use, I must know I've got to act urgently, dial 911, and say something like, "My name is Paul Pelosi, husband of Speaker Nancy Pelosi. I'm at our home on 1313 Mockingbird Lane, and there's a deranged maniac threatening me with a hammer. I'm locked in the bathroom, but I don't know how long I can hold out. Send someone right away!"

No, not a bit of it. According to the link I've used so far, he spoke in code to a quick-thinking dispatcher.

“When you have an experienced dispatcher with good instincts, they learn how to read between the lines,” San Francisco Police Chief William Scott told reporters.

Various reports say that Pelosi somehow referred to DePape as a "friend", while the dispatcher also noted that Pelosi "seemed confused".

Pelosi left the call open while he confronted the suspect, Scott said. The dispatcher was able to tell something was amiss without Pelosi alarming the suspect, according to police.

“What’s going on? Why are you here? What are you doing to me?” Pelosi said while the dispatcher listened in.

The UK Daily Mail has more details on the call:

The operator could then be heard contacting police dispatch describing the incident: 'He states there is a male in the home and that he is going to wait for his wife. He stated that he doesn't know who the male is but that his name is David and that he is a friend. He sounded somewhat confused.'

Reports on Pelosi's May DUI in Napa suggest that when law enforcement initially arrived at the accident scene, he was barely able to walk or speak coherently, and I would surmise that he was in equivalent condition here, for what all that's worth. But the circumstances continue not to add up. A later version from SFPD Chief Scott appears to scramble the time line:

“So when the officers arrived and knocked on the front door of the residence this morning, the door was opened by someone inside,” Scott said. “And the officers observed through the open door Mr. Pelosi and the suspect, Mr. DePape, inside the entryway of the home.

The officers ordered Pelosi and DePape to drop the hammer and seemingly stood by as DePape attacked Pelosi, waiting until DePape “violently assaulted” Pelosi before disarming the suspect.

The story then quotes Scott directly:

At this time, the officers remained outside of the threshold of the home. And they observed Mr. Pelosi and Mr. DePape, each with one hand on a single hammer. It was one hammer that the officers observed. Officers, while still outside of the doorway threshold, gave commands to both men to drop the hammer. Mr. DePape immediately pulled the hammer away from Mr. Pelosi and violently attacked him with the hammer. The officers immediately entered, tackled the suspect, disarmed him, then took the hammer away from him and took the suspect, Mr. DePape, into custody.

So apparently there was a third party inside the house who opened the door for the police when they knocked, and at that point they saw a made-for-TV tableau of Pelosi (82 and often not in a position to struggle for anything) and DePape struggling with a hammer. Gee, who was the third party? I betcha the FBI and SFPD talked to him right away and have made very sure he stays quiet, huh? I assume the same goes for what must certainly be plenty of security footage.

But at the same time, this latest version from Chief Scott suggests the story of plucky Boy Scout Paul and the bathroom phone is no longer operative, though I don't think it was ever credible, and that may be why it's changed.

Then there's the separate question of the photo at the top of this post, which apparently shows the back entryway to the Pelosi home following the burglary -- except that the broken glass and debris from the purported burglary are on the outside of the door, suggesting they were broken later from the inside, not during initial entry. This is the sort of amateur criminal coverup that makes it to Forensic Files.

What to make of this?

Okay, so the Paul Pelosi story is not adding up...

My two theories so far are:

1. Jussie Smollett 2.0

2. Paul Pelosi got in a fight with his gay lover

— Samantha Marika (@samanthamarika1) October 28, 2022

I make no endorsement. On the other hand, my Spidey sense suggests to me that this is a fin de siècle sort of event in the same league as the assassination of the empress of Austria-Hungary in 1898, at a time when she'd been long estranged from her husband, Franz Josef. Speaker Pelosi is almost certainly going to be a lame duck after the mid-term elections next week. Even if we hear not one further word about the events in her home with J Edgar on the case, my guess is she will end any controversy and quietly resign as Speaker before her term officially expires.

UPDATE: This story in the Santa Monica Observer carries the most up-to-date speculation, labled clearly as such:

According to SFPD "RP [Reporting Person] stated that there's a male in the home and that he's going to wait for his wife. RP stated that he doesn't know who the male is but he advised that his name is David, and that he is a friend," the dispatch official said. "RP sounded somewhat confused."

It's been a rumor for years in SF that Paul Pelosi is gay. David Depape is said to be a Castro Nudist. "The lunatic who allegedly assaulted Paul Pelosi is a Berkeley resident and a 'Former Castro Nudist Protester' and hemp 'jewelry maker' ...sounds totally MAGA Republican to me.

. . . "Now tell me something. These people are worth hundreds of millions of dollars. Nancy is third in line to the Presidency. You don't think they have the most amazing security? And by the way, when Pelosi was in that drunk driving accident, he had a young man with him, and that too was covered up by the police and the press."